Nightingale
by Kristin4ev
Summary: One Shot. Post ME2; Coming back from a suicide mission alive truly made something predominantly clear to the commander; death is tangible and real but it was avoidable. Shepard knew that better than anyone. She never believed in luck either. Luck was a myth; coincidences were more like it. She was in the right place at the right time, she was the right person that Cerberus wanted.


**Hi all! I needed to take a break from "Jane" to have some fun with my two favorites. This one shot was originally inspired by the Demi Lovato song "Nightingale" but I delved into more research and found lots of symbolism as well as inspiration. This is my first one shot (the first of many, I hope!) This is Shakarian and yes, it is so fluffy, I could die. Please enjoy, feel free to leave a review as well! - Kristin**

Nightingale

Sleep was a complicated phenomenon to Robin Shepard. The last time she had a good night's slumber was way before she became an N7, before Akuze, maybe even before enlisting. She always headed her mother's words, the same one's she spoke to her in her hospital bed after the Akuze mission, _don't let the wounds fester, allow them to scar, and show them to the world_. Shepard did not hide what she had been through for her crew's sake but she kept a cool and collected manner; her priority of protecting the galaxy overriding anything else, even the emotional trauma and baggage that colony held. The nightmares haunted her and she accepted them as a regular part of life. Never did she allow someone to sleep in the same bed as her for those exact reasons; showing weakness, their great commander, her teeth gripped on sheets, trying to gag out her inevitable screaming. For a while it worked…then she lost her life.

Being dead for two years really put her idea of consciousness into perspective. She refused to allow herself a good sleep. Some nights she swam just below consciousness, fearing she would not wake up. Whenever she allowed herself a deep sleep, she would be tumbling through space, its vacuum penetrating her helmet and losing sight of her burning ship in the distance. It was Akuze all over again, she had allowed it to happen _twice._ While most of the crew made it out alive, they did not all survive and she lived with it. Somehow, she wished Cerberus could eradicate that one horrible moment in her past life, at least she would never feel a jump in her pulse and hesitation towards leaving the SR2's airlock

Coming back from a suicide mission alive truly made something predominantly clear to the commander; death is tangible and real but it was avoidable. Shepard knew that better than anyone. She never believed in luck either. Luck was a myth; _coincidences_ were more like it. She was in the right place at the right time, she was the right person that Cerberus wanted her to be alive. If she was anyone else, her body would still be floating in the traverse or maybe buried in the icy tundra of Alchera. There was an involuntarily shutter that moved her whenever the thought crossed her mind. She would shake the feelings over, reminding herself that she was there, alive, in that moment and that was what mattered.

The time came when Shepard opened her eyes to ceiling of her room, the skylight twinkling with a painting of stars, feeling unusually refreshed, aware. She wasn't sure how long it had been or even what day it was. There was no sweat that clung to her skin, no screaming trying to surge its way out of her mouth, no aching knuckles from gripping onto her sheets so hard; sure, she ached from battle everyday but she knew which ones her night terrors were guilty of. The biggest difference she found: there was no exhaustion. Her eyelids were lighter than ever. She only felt that way after her daily three cups of coffee. Even so, this sensation was a lot more authentic.

Slowly, Shepard sat up, raking her hands through her blonde hair. Her bare breast caught her eye as the sheets easily slid down her naked body. She raised a brow and saw her battered armor neatly placed on foot of her steps. Shepard never slept without at least some underwear. There was always the chance there would be an emergency, a last-minute mission, something that would require her attention to easily be ready to get up and go; a habit she had picked up on since boot camp. She reached over the side of her bed, pulling out a drawer with some civvies inside. As she did this, a whiff of her body odor wafted up her nose. It was god awful. She ripped the blankets off to find her skin was covered in scrapes and bruises. Her hand grazed her forehead and cheek, it was dry, almost flakey from the layers of sweat beneath her armor. Something was not right, she _always_ took her showers before bed.

Before reflecting about anything else, she quickly padded her way over to her shower. It was impossible to think about anything else with the grime on her body. It was silly, she'd been covered in so much worse out in the field but she didn't have time to think about it; more important things to take care of other than her personal hygiene. Although, when she was back in her cabin, it was one of her most sacred commodities which she took very seriously. Like clockwork, every night she was in her room, she took a hot shower; a routine. How could she have been so daft in forgetting to take her shower before going to bed?

She noted the light steps in her feet, the effortless energy it took to easily hop out of bed. The hot water splashed onto her exposed back, relaxing the tense muscles. She let out a loud sigh, just what the doctor ordered. Her hands worked mechanically, her own personal auto pilots, scrubbing off the dirt and sweat that had been caked to her skin. The water changed to a transparent, russet color down at the drain. It was both gross and satisfying. She rinsed, shampooed, and scrubbed till that water was clear.

Cold air hit her face when she returned to her bedside, finally grabbing her clothes; a plain grey t-shirt with a pair of sweats. She made her bed, flipping a coin over it, watching it perfectly rotate into a full 360 before landing on the sheets. She grinned, despite of herself, another old habit from boot camp. Shepard straightened up, looking around her room, satisfied she was ready with the day. Her first thing on her to do list was to find out which day it was. _How embarrassing_ , she thought to herself.

"EDI?" the commander called out. There was silence. EDI always responded. Anxiety was crawling its way into her consciousness. She knew the morning was too good to be true. "EDI?" she tried again. Nothing. Shepard slapped on her omni tool, brought up EDI's settings first. It was the one thing she always did before determining if the AI had an error; she never did. EDI was placed on "do not disturb." She had only used that setting once before, why would she use it now? The commander took the shackles off EDI in her room and tried once more. " EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?" the AI's voice spoke up, to Shepard's relief.

"…why were you on 'do not disturb'?"

"Officer Vakarian placed me on that setting"

Garrus? She was utterly confused. Why would Garrus have done that to EDI in Shepard's room? Of course, they had put her on "Do not Disturb" when he had sauntered his way up to her cabin before the Collector Base. _The Collector Base_ , that was the last thing she remembered. She had finished telling the Illusive Man off and had rendezvoused with the crew in the shuttle bay; their celebration of victory against the collectors and now the freedom from Cerberus. "Any reason why?"

"No, Shepard, he just said to wait until you took the lock off me" EDI answered coolly.

"And when was that?"

"14 hours and 32 minutes ago"

" _14 hours?!_ "

"and 32 minutes, commander"

 _What?!_ ¸ her mind raced. She never slept more than 5 or 6 hours but 14? That's impossible. There were so many things that grabbed her attention; had the illusive man sent out ships to try and take the _Normandy_ back? Did Anderson get her message about the base? Had the crew recovered from their injuries? Were her mission reports filed? _Oh god, I slept through my work day_ , she frantically got shoes on. That turian had a lot of explaining to do.

"EDI, where's Garrus?" he demanded

"Down in the main battery"

"Thank you" She was curt.

"Logging you out, Shepard"

Shepard raced to the elevator, slamming her fist into the level marked "3." How could he take away EDI from her while she slept? What if something had happened? She huffed angrily, ready to get some answers. The softer part of her mind tried to remind her that the sleep was exactly what she needed. But it wasn't about _her_ it was about the ship and the crew, making sure _they_ were okay. After all, the crew were the ones who had been kidnapped by the insane Prothean zombie monsters.

The elevator dinged and her feet stomped angrily into the crew's quarters, passing by the mess. Before she could strut into the main battery, Goldstein's voice stopped her on the way in.

"Commander, are you alright?" she asked

Shepard stopped in her tracks. The young crewman looked at her, ill at ease. The commander realized she had not spoken with the woman since before the kidnapping. "Goldstein! How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, Commander, thanks to you." She grinned.

"And Hawthorne?" Shepard asked, noting the absent chair across from her. Goldstein tipped her chin towards the Med bay where Hawthorne was lying down on a cot. Relief settled in the commander's stomach.

"Hawthorne's fine, more upset he couldn't help Joker" she shrugged. Shepard smiled at the woman, her eyes trailing to the battery. "Go easy on Garrus, he was worried about you. We all were" Shepard's shocked eyes found those of her crew member. Her face was soft, apologetic. Garrus and Shepard's relationship had become less of a secret when they destroyed the collector base it seemed. Everyone saw the way they reacted to each other both on the ship and the battlefield. She hadn't known it was that obvious. Then there was a memory, a small moment that could have easily been mistaken for friendly interaction. Shepard had grasped the turian into a quick hug just before the elevator doors in the shuttle bay. She assumed no one had been looking. With that thought, Shepard's cheeks began to flare.

"Glad you're alright, Goldstein"

"You too, Commander. Thank you again" her voice was gracious.

Shepard lips curved up in a small smile before making her way to the battery. The door opened with the turian's back to her. If he mentions anything about calibrations, she would send a shockwave on his ass. She cleared her throat and he noticed, turning to her slowly. His face was indifferent while she glared at him.

"Shepard- "

"Don't you, 'Shepard' me!" She burst at him. His mandibles twitched, a smirk. Fury erupted on her face, her teeth showing in an angry sneer. "We need to talk about-!" then she was interrupted by a growling, but it didn't come from Garrus. She ignored the sound and continued, "The fact that-!" the rumbling came again, her insides shaking the tiniest bit. _Not now_! She screamed internally. "You put EDI on 'Do not-!" once again she was cut off by her stomach. She howled with her hands in the air, "hold that thought!" she marched from the room to the mess. She ignored Gardner's attempt to converse and grabbed a high calorie protein bar. She ripped all the packaging off and munched on it, heading back to the battery. The turian was trying his very hardest not to break his mutual expression at the sight of his commander, and now lover, attempting to shove an entire protein bar in her mouth. Shepard did notice this and gave him the most terrifying glower she could muster.

"When was the last time you ate, Shepard?" He asked, his subharmonics were amused.

She munched, trying not to choke on her meal and her stomach happily took the food, "Before the collector base" she garbled.

"…. that was nearly 24 hours ago" his voice was now concerned.

"Oh god" she smacked her arm to her head, the hand holding the last of the mutilated bar. She was never like this. She always made a schedule to take her care of herself, what was happening? She sat down on the crate next to the console he had been working on. _24 hours ago?_ She brought up her omni tool and there was the time 1800. The commander now groaned, placing her head in her hands. Quiet footsteps approached her and she ignored him. He had kneeled because she could feel his breath caress the stray hairs on her forehead. The closeness made her tense; she had to remind herself that this was not new. She never trusted anyone to be in her personal space…not until Garrus. Being close to someone meant that it would only hurt more when they left; whether its death, inadequate feelings…She took in a shuttering breath, trying to compose herself.

The team had never faced anything like this; hell, Akuze had nothing on that collector base. This time, she managed to save everyone. There was no time for hesitation, when the crew was taken, that was an act of war and Shepard was leading the charge. She pushed all her emotions behind her the moment Garrus grasped her hand in his and led them out of her cabin to face the unknown omega four relay. Shepard knew more than anyone how justified she was to a day off but not _now_. Not when there are so many what if's up in the air. In mere minutes, the Normandy could be boarded by Cerberus, putting everyone in chains, or even worse. Shepard couldn't bear the thought of anyone touching her team again.

She looked up from her fingers and the turian was silent, inches from her face, waiting patiently. He did not reach out to comfort her, only kneeled there with her. Garrus was aware of the commander's reservations to her relationships. She had not been with anyone in years. Kaidan Alenko had tried but she just wasn't interested, there was no spark. However, she did regret it at times; especially when she had to leave him on Virmire. If she had been with him then, would she have left him to die? Would she have sacrificed Williams just to save him because of their relationship? After everything Ash had endured? The foundation of the close friendship Shepard held with Ashley would crumble.

Then her mind took a sick twist; what if she had to choose between Garrus and Williams? She physically flinched away from the thought. She knew the answer and it did not bode well. Shepard had to tell herself that she left Kaidan behind because there was no way they could have made it to him on time. The bomb Ash had been guarding was closer. They were able to repel Saren, protect the bomb, and escape within the nick of time. This logic didn't stop the tears from oozing down the commander's face that night as she relived Kaidan's last words to her; _I wouldn't have it any other way_. That same sentence haunted her dreams for a long time.

It didn't change the fact that she would choose Garrus. She would fight through the geth and krogan just to save him. That idea scared the living hell out of her. She would die proudly for her crew always, because it was her duty. She would die for Garrus because she merely cared for his life just as much as hers. The commander was unsure if she loved the turian; she hadn't love anyone like that in her life.

Then there was a voice, Ash's in her memories. The two women hunched over old poetry books late at night when they both can't sleep; plagued by their terrors of Akuze and 212. The chief always loved to show the commander her favorites; some sorrow and some lovely. She had not remembered all of them but one stood out to her. Ashley had said to Shepard that this poem by Amy Levy reminded her of her superior.

 _She, who so long has lain_

 _Stone-stiff with folded wings,_

 _Within my heart again_

 _The brown bird wakes and sings._

 _Brown nightingale, whose strain_

 _Is heard by day, by night,_

 _She sings of joy and pain,_

 _Of sorrow and delight._

Shepard was no fan literature; it was her worst subject in school. She admired the word art and had Ashley send her the poem as a token; something to remind her of the gunnery chief. She kept those words with her even after Ash turned her back on their friendship. Shepard never realized the true meaning behind the words until they were recited in her ears by the whispered tone of her lost friend. It was about finally learning to love.

While she had been so angry with him, the commander had failed to see what the turian officer had done for her; a chance to sleep, to forget, even if it was just for a little bit. She felt more alive in that moment than she did since she woke up on that operating table. While she had been so preoccupied with everything else, Garrus had done the little things to make it easier whether it was cracking a joke on a bad day, taking a load of paperwork from her, or maybe just carrying her to bed after one of the hardest mission she had ever been on, taking off her armor, and throwing the blankets over her exhausted body.

Shepard reached out to stroke over his damaged mandible with a butterfly touch. He seemed to relax at that point, mimicking her movements and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Then he slid his hand down to rest on her knee. Even then she felt her own heartbeat flutter for one small moment. Now she gazed at him, realizing how wrong she had been, stomping into his chamber and demanding why he let her sleep. "I'm sorry," she whispered nearly soundlessly. Luckily, it was just enough for his translator to pick up on. He huffed out a faint chuckle.

"I was expecting the terrifying infamous wrath of Shepard and all I get is an apology? How disappointing…and confusing" his voice was just as soft as hers.

"I just…I'm not used to being taken care of" She was sheepish, avoiding the piercing blue eyes of her lover.

"I know, Shep. I didn't really think about it. I wanted you to have a good night's rest for once. You nearly collapsed in the elevator on the way up to your cabin, mid-sentence too I may add" he was back to being amused. She couldn't find the strength to glare at him. Even with her being completely open with him, he still managed to be his usual snarky self. But there was an endearment behind the sound of his voice, something she had never heard before. Now his expression darkened, "you did scare the hell out of me though." He was sincere, traces of his previous joking gone.

"I'm sorry" she apologized again.

"Shepard" she reluctantly brought her eyes back to his, "I'm new to this too, remember?"

"Turian-Human Relationships?"

"Relationships" he corrected. She blinked once, his expression looked almost forlorn, mandibles out loosely, his eyes trailing to the floor.

"Physically, you were always at my six and I was at yours," he took her hand, "Emotionally, you have seen me at my most vulnerable state, on the verge of killing by succumbing to the idea that revenge was the only way out. Do you remember that night after we got back to the Normandy?" he asked, she nodded. There was slight pressure in their clasped hands from the turian.

"You wouldn't speak to me for days" she muttered, feeling a pang of the loneliness, she dealt with that week.

"Concluding that you were right was easy; you're always right. It was realizing how wrong I'd been; that was the tough part. I nearly shot you! One of the most important people in my life, for the sake of repaying a debt" he shook his head in disgust. "You saw me at the lowest of low, Shepard. Who knows what I would be if you hadn't saved my ass on Omega, what kind of man I would become if you never stood between me and Sidonis" his sub vocals were laced with both admiration and sorrow. After all that, of course he wanted to take care her, he owed her his sanity. The thought of Garrus fueling his aspirations based on his demons was something she couldn't think about letting him do. He was better than that.

"In the same second, I had that epiphany, I had another; I cared about you more than I should have," she flinched at the backlash of his words. He didn't want to have feelings for her, she was not just his CO, she was a human. The commander knew the taboo that surrounded their relationship, how wrong it should have been but how right it felt to her. "And yet," his eyes softened at hers, "one of the best nights of my life was spent with you, just before we hit the omega four relay"

Her heart swelled and she coughed a laugh to suppress her lip from quivering, "don't get me all misty, Vakarian." Her voice cracked in betrayal.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Commander" Then she had her own epiphany, why that short poem meant so much to her. She was his nightingale; the one who could crack into the hard shell she had built around her heart, her emotions. He didn't force it out of her, but she naturally opened herself to him without knowing what she was doing. By the time she recognized what she did, it was too late; she had fallen for him.

" _Brown nightingale, whose strain is heard by day, by night,"_ she whispered to herself, copying Ashley's perfect crisp voice. " _She sings of joy and pain, of sorrow and delight._ "

He tilted his head to the side, puzzled. Her mouth tugged up as she took his face in her hands, pressing her lips against his mouth plates. The turian tensed for a moment, surprised by her gesture. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, anchoring their faces together. The first kiss they had since before the suicide mission. It was delicate, sudden, and nothing like the intense necking they shared in her room just a mere 24 hours prior.

He returned her embrace, coiling his arms around her waist, a hand twisted into her short hair. She moved her mouth down to plant butterfly kisses on his mandibles and scars. His hands skimmed the underside of her shirt and up, stroking her bare back. The interaction was gentle and patient, something Shepard was not used to. All the flings she experienced were rushed, to quickly relieve stress and be on her merry way. This was different; each touch, each kiss meant something. His mouth plates found their way to her ear, his voice washing over her thoughts with a single word, "Robin." It wasn't a signal to stop, or a calling. It wasn't even acknowledging her presence. He never called her by her first name, no one did. It was always Shepard. This meant something deeper, even when they were together the night before, he hadn't said it. Now he did. While he had said her first name, it was synonymous with one phrase, the one she never thought anyone would say to her; _I love you_. Her arms tightened around his neck, holding their bodies together in a strong clasp. Her airways were now cut off and she didn't care, he could hold her like this all day; keeping the broken pieces together. Alas, with a struggle to breathe, she patted his back.

He loosened his grip on her, but moved the side of his head to her bare chest, the scars tickling the skin. Her heart was beating wildly against his ear and he rumbled a chuckle. She rested her cheek just on top of his fringe, knowing he would never let her live it down.

"Checking to see if my heart rate is in synch with your visor?" she breathed against his head.

"Perhaps," he sounded like he was grinning, "But maybe I just like the sound of it" She smirked the tiniest bit, caressing her hand down his unscarred cheek. "It is rather fast though, have I mastered the art of swooning? Or should we alert Chakwas?" he asked, light sarcasm seeping through.

"Easy there, big guy, or you may float away with all that hot air you've got in your head" she chuckled. "I guess my attempt to make you blush failed?"

"Reciting poetry to me, Shepard? Really now? You're gonna have to try harder than that" he mused. He brought his eyes back to hers, elated.

"You know I'll never stop" stroking her thumb over his clan marking. She was met by his mouth once more, a gentler kiss this time.

"I would expect nothing less" holding his forehead to hers. Later that night, Garrus Vakarian held his nightingale while she slept even more peacefully than the night before.

 **Hope you all liked it! If you haven't, please check out my other Shakarian fanfiction "Jane"! I'm hoping the next chapter for that fic will be out soon as well! - Kristin**


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